Loneliness

We live in the middle of nowhere, in a town where people want to keep to themselves, not let in new business, and not move forward. It's almost an old western town. Consequently, it's been very lonely here. As much as this is my curse, I understand that it can be my blessing, if I will allow it. God is teaching me how much I distract myself rather than lean on Him. This stage of my life is difficult but in the end it can be a stage of growth, that helps me to focus more on God and what I can do for Him, rather than meaningless distractions.

Old Friends

We went back to my home town for a festival at the beginning of the month and met up with some old friends. It's so nice to have friends that no matter how much time goes by without seeing each other we can pick up where we left off. Time goes by too quickly, but it was a breath of fresh air to see them again.

Connection

Being an Air Force spouse is sometimes a lonely life. With only 3 years in one place, it's hard to make connections, and easy to feel isolated and lonely. This particular assignment has been a terribly lonely one for me, and it's easy for me to get sucked down into that loneliness and to feel like I don't matter to many people, to feel that everyone else has gone on with their lives and left me in the dust. I miss being a part of something, and at this assignment more than any other, I'm not a part of anything.

I've spent time praying about this, trying to lean on God for comfort and to take these feelings away. It's often tough, but I realize that I have to focus on what I DO have and not what I don't have.

About a month ago an old college friend of mine dropped me an e-mail out of the blue. She was someone that I hadn't thought about in years, and it was certainly not someone that I expected to hear from. She was thinking about me and wondering how I was doing and wanted to get in touch. It's often not what we expect when God answers prayers, so today, I hope to focus on what God has given me and quit mourning the past and what I don't have. I am thankful for the blessing of an unexpected contact from an old friend.

It Could Be Worse

I'm continually trying to focus more on the blessings that God has given me. Since my move out west, my attitude has taken a nose dive, and I haven't understood why I live in such an isolated and strange place. On some level, I'm aware that there are blessings I'm taking for granted, which is why I created this blog. It's a way for me to force myself to acknowledge my blessings and readjust my shameful attitude.

This past weekend I did a show in the L.A. area. It was a bomb. The promoter didn't advertise the show, therefore, people didn't know about it. The show was a loss for me. We made two small sales the whole weekend. I was very dejected and feeling sorry for myself. Others around me had at least made their booth fee, and some sold as much as $800. Those people were complaining about their $800 worth of sales, and I was frustrated. I would have loved to have walked out of that show with those sales. But my husband, through casual conversation, readjusted my perspective.

Those that sold more than me were single women with these shows as their only source of income. I have a husband who is the breadwinner and therefore we can absorb the loss easily. Our business account is separate and therefore doesn't affect our daily living.

Some of these single ladies drove from central and northern California for this show, eating gas and hotel expenses. We drove two hours and stayed for free at our relative's hotel. So even though these ladies may have made more money, they still had a few hundred dollars worth of expenses that I didn't have.

I have a show in Beverly Hills in a little over a month. Most of the artists that we talked to have applied repeatedly to Beverly Hills and have never gotten in. They would love to get into the Beverly Hills show. I got in on my first try. If the show goes the way it has in the past, I'll make a decent profit from that show. And not only that, but I also received an acceptance letter from another show that is good. So I have two good shows lined up that these ladies don't have.

It's just a reminder to me about the crosses that we bear. My life, when I sum it up and take out the emotional challenges I have, is very good. Life is not a struggle for me; the only struggles I have are emotional, and hopefully this blog will help me in that department. So today, I am thankful for the blessings that I have been given in the art fair world because many other artists would love to have my blessings.

Health

A lot of things in life are relative: wealth is relative. To someone making $40k, $80k is a lot of money. For the $80k'er, $100k is a lot of money. Health is one of those things that is relative. I've had my share of enigmatic issues. One doctor described it as the "gray zone" of autoimmune disorders; subclinical symptoms that exist just enough to interfere with daily life, but not so pronounced as to be given a definitive diagnosis. This has been easy for me to focus on. I'd have a pity party for myself because my exercise tolerance wasn't where I wanted it to be, I couldn't do the activities that I wanted to do. On any given day I wasn't sure how much bloating I would experience, so I have to keep 2 different pant sizes in my closet. One week a bigger size fit, and then the next the bloating was gone and I could pull those pants on and off without unzipping them.

But this week, I awoke one morning in excruciating pain from my back, neck and shoulder. I cried out in pain trying to get out of bed. I wasn't sure how I was going to use the restroom nor shower. I'd never experienced anything like it. The whole day was spent trying to find some relief from this pain. I couldn't drive, couldn't lay down, could barely sit. It took morphine to finally take the edge off the pain, and I returned home finally at 9 at night. It was in the midst of of all that pain that I realized health is on a continuum, and that most days, I'm a healthy girl. Can I run a marathon, or even run with ease? Not really. But can I run? Yes. As well as I wish? No. But I have health good enough to engage in life and attempt the things I want to do. I may feel embarrassment over my limitations where endurance is concerned, but I can engage in life! How great for me! So many people would love to have the level of health that I have, and mine is not perfect.

Today, I'm thankful to be blessed with health that allows me to do the things in life that I want, that allows me to engage in life. I have been blessed with good health, and I don't want to take that for granted.

An Appointment with God

Sometimes I think that when we try to adopt a lifestyle that God has called us to lead, it's easy to overlook His calling. There's something about being used by God that is difficult to accept. Me? Why would He use me? I'm not nearly good enough for Him to use. I'm not knowledgeable enough about His word. Many excuses pop into my head about why God wouldn't use me, but He does.

We tried out a new church on Sunday, having been lonely and not plugged in at the church we were attending. I dislike being a newbie, and feel on guard, wanting to keep people at arm's length until I've formed my opinion of the church. Is it a place I want to stay or not? We ended up sitting in front of a single lady who was friendly and chatty. My instinct was to keep her at arm's length, be polite without being too encouraging. But when I do that, I may miss a divine appointment. By building a wall, I'm not looking at others as Jesus would look at them. And this lady showed me what I can be missing out on by not seeing people through Jesus's eyes.

At the end of the service we chatted a little more with her, and she teared up often during our conversation about the church. She later asked my husband if had any contacts at Edwards that might be able to get her a job, since she was recently laid off and about to run out of unemployment. She cried as she told us that her rheumatoid arthritis was getting worse since she couldn't give herself injections. What she wanted was job contacts, which hopefully my husband can help with, but what we had on us was our checkbook, and we knew we could give her a little bit of cash to help her out.

She was overwhelmed and fought with us about accepting it. To us, it is what God calls us to do, and we didn't give it a second thought. She told us that God wanted her to be there that morning, because she almost didn't come due to the pain of her RA. She knew that by coming, that God had willed her to come and to sit by us and to meet us. It was a divine appointment that I might have shrugged off had she not been insistent that it was God that made her come to church, and she now knew why. How awesome to be a tool of God's, whether or not we feel worthy.

Any time God uses us for His greater good is a blessing, and for that, I am thankful.

Good Life

Sometimes I allow myself to wallow in self-pity, that my life isn't what I dreamt it would be. I dreamt I would go to the Peace Corps, have an international career, and make a difference. My life is not as big as I imagined. But as I was reviewing my website last night, I was struck by what a blessed life I have had. So maybe I'm not a big, influential career woman, but my life has been pretty charmed. I've gotten to start a fine art photography career and won 2 awards right after starting, and was accepted into a prestigious art fair and wait listed for other prestigious art fairs, all within 2 years of starting to show at art fairs. Although I'm not busy on a daily basis with it, and although I sometimes feel lost in how else to continue, I have been successful and this is just the start. I see that my impatience is tempting me to throw in the towel, but last night I was struck with how incredibly blessed I am to do what I love and to have had success in such a short time. I haven't encountered too many other photographers on the circuit as short a time as I have been.